Even though many relationships end up in break-ups or divorce, that doesn’t mean that yours has to. There are many relationships that last 30, 40, and even 50+ years. I have worked with many clients who were separated or on the brink of getting divorced who succeeded at turning things around.
Even I have gotten to the point with Clayton where I thought that it was time for things to end. However, before I did that I wanted to “walk my talk” and use the tools that have helped so many of my clients. And it worked! The good news is that if it worked for us, it can work for you too!
Individuals and couples come to me in a frenetic state in fear of losing the person that they love the most.
They say their spouse:
• Is pulling away.
• Doesn’t want to talk about feelings.
• Is always working.
• Only wants to hang out with their friends.
• Isn’t interested in making love.
• And the list goes on.
They don’t know what to do, but they do know that they don’t want to loose them.
If you feel like your spouse is slipping away from you, here are 3 steps for you to take right now that could have them back at your side.
Step 1: Stop Perusing
You need to stop calling, texting, sending love note e-mails, scheduling a time to “talk”, saying “I Love You” 10 times a day, talking to their friends, following their every move, buying gifts, etc.
You have been predictable up until now by doing these things. They know it. And, its NOT working. Now it’s time for you to Get A Life of your own, which leads me to step 2.
Step 2: Get A Life
When we get in a place that feels like we are about to lose the person we love, we begin to have separation anxiety. We become clingy and desperate. When we don’t get what we want, we become depressed. We don’t go out with our friends. We stay at home, eat, gain weight, don’t sleep, cry, and turn into someone we don’t want to be.
It is understandable to feel this way when we feel like we are losing our lover. Trust me. I’ve been there.
However, it is not the most attractive state to be in, and it certainly won’t have your lover feeling sorry for you and knocking on your door with a dozen colorful roses. It actually turns them off. To be quite honest, the person that your spouse fell in love with actually had a life.
Yes, YOU had a Life before Them.
Now it is time to get that life back. You need to act as if you are OK without them, even if you don’t feel like you are right now. I’m not asking you to be fake. I am asking you to start becoming the person you actually really want to be.
I’m almost certain that your Best Self would be doing some things differently than you are doing right now. I suggest that you begin to act more upbeat and pleasant when you are around your spouse. Go out with your friends. Dance. Go to a party that a friend invites you to. Take a new class. Read a book that’s been collecting dust on your shelf. Reflect. (Read “Break-Up Emergency” – That has many things for you to do to grow and evolve even if you haven’t broken up or gotten divorced).
You deserve to have a great life and to have some fun.
You can do it!
Step 3: Be Patient
Now that you have stopped the pursuit and started becoming the person that you want to be – Be Patient.
The good news is that by following the first two steps you get to step back into having a life of your own. You will begin to feel more empowered and have higher self-esteem. You create an opportunity to start having fun again. You get to begin to look at things from a fresh perspective.
Another reward is that your spouse might begin to notice that you are behaving differently. They might wonder why you look so happy. They might make comments on your sudden “change” and begin to ask questions. They might even ask you out on a date and want to talk about your relationship.
If these things happen I suggest being grateful. However, DO NOT revert back to your old, needy ways. Continue with moving your life forward – walking into your Best Self.
If you and your significant other decide to rekindle your relationship, it is important for you to heal those pains that got you there in the first place. I have my clients do an “I Will I Won’t” Contract.
In order for change to happen, you have to stop repeating the same behaviors and patterns over and over again. Begin to be the person you want to “find”.
Remember: You are on the same team.
What kind of relationship and life do the two of you want to create together? Begin taking the steps you need to take to get there.
Sometimes we have to go through difficult times to have a break THROUGH. Now is your chance, no matter what happens.
To your Break THROUGH REALationship Success!